Mat Lock
Rachel Kerrigan, welcome to The Unleashing Potential Podcast.
Rachel Kerrigan
Thank you so much for having me on. It’s real privilege to be here. I really appreciate it.
Mat Lock
No, not at all. And as we’re about to find as we go through your story, I think the privilege is certainly mine. And anyone else who’s going to be listening to this now in the future. So um, before we dive into your backstory, just a little bit about where do you live at the moment? Where are you from? Just give us a taste of who you are.
Rachel Kerrigan
I’m a country girl. I’m originally from KMC on the north coast. So I grew up in an area that was amazing. So I had you know, the best of both worlds the beach in the countryside. So I grew up and horses, as well as surfing and things like that. And I’m currently based in Newcastle in New South Wales and loving it here. Yeah,
Mat Lock
if I also know spot, a former industrial area that has like so many others has changed its way to beautiful spot.
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah. And it’s so close to everything. The wineries Sydney beaches, you know how to valet it’s all here. It’s really beautiful. All the good stuff.
You say I like the outdoors.
Mat Lock
Absolutely. No, I noticed you’ve got the door closed behind you. Is that to stop any of our four legged friends wandering into Say hi Daddy, my daughter. Yes. So let’s give a shout out to your daughter. What’s her name? Chiara Chiara. Yeah, you’ll probably hear a bit about a She’s good. How old Carrie? She’s just turned off. She’ll be turning 17 actually in October. So a busy busy few years. Yes, yes, you’re 11. And how many four legged friends we have in the house are three knives. And they are. They are blaze Chloe and Flynn. Beautiful. Well, as we talked chatted about last week, when we had a quick chat, they are welcome to make a cameo appearance anytime they like that when they’re ready, Rachel, I appreciate you being here. We we connected via the relatively new t fitness Facebook page, which is something that Tia and Seamus put together, which is awesome. And there’s now 1000s of everyday athletes just connecting on there sharing their story, inspiring others, which is just fantastic. And you shared your story as part of that sort of introduction to that Facebook group. And I have to say I was quite touched by it, we really caught my eye. I commented at the time, and I loved the the humidity of your reply if you’re just me, which I understand complaints there. But nonetheless, it’s it’s quite a story. So if you don’t mind sharing that with us, if you could take us back to 2010 and maybe give a little bit of the backstory and and talk about what life looked like from 2010 onwards. That would be, I think, very inspiring for people to hear.
Rachel Kerrigan
Okay, um, well, I spent seven years serving in the Royal Australian Air Force, and I saw some active service and operations slip out in Afghanistan in 2002. I noticed things weren’t quite right when I got back. So I just thought I was over the military basically, and ended up leaving because I had high levels of stress and anxiety. Then I set up a server around 2004, I got into a fairly successful career and project management and contract administration and heavy industry and mining. And if I looking back, now I can see the decline. But in 2010, I really hit rock bottom, I was diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and chronic depressive disorder. I’ve literally become a prisoner in my own head, I took up to 30 tablets a day, just to get through the day. And there’s some pretty strong medication in that I suffered a stress induced stroke and lost all movement down the left hand side of my body as a result of that. I’m only five foot so I’m not really tall. I ballooned up to 119 kilos. And also be you know, I couldn’t even bend down, put my shoes on when I could move again. And I’ve got to a point where my anxiety, stress, distrust of myself, the world, everything was so bad that I couldn’t even actually walk outside to go to the mailbox or hang the clothes on the line. And my daughter became my self care. We lost everyone, my family, friends all pulled away, ended up homeless for a little period, battle cancer a couple of times, it was just a different period. And it wasn’t till about 2016 after continual struggle that my life turned around because I found sport, specifically powerlifting fell in love with it gave me a drive and a passion in three sport. I was told I’d never work again, I’m now working part time I compete nationally in powerlifting, as well as wheelchair basketball, and obviously back out in the world and talking. So a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to have this conversation with you. Like, my daughter literally decided what clothes I had to wear because that was just too big of an issue for me and just sent me over the edge even working out what to wear for the day. She did bills she got herself to and from school, she did cooking, cleaning. I remember the things she said to me the most was there’s only two things I won’t do Mum, and that’s ironing and clean the toilet. Like, if that’s all it gets like that baby. I’m happy. So between the two of us we managed and yeah, it’s been a rough journey. But here I am and sky’s the limit.
Mat Lock
Yeah, seemingly so. And I mean all power to you and have a virtual hug. What an incredible series of years to go through I guess. And Kara would have been a young girl and this is happening. She’s 17. Now it’s 2020. So this is back in 2010 onwards. So she was just a young girl. Yes, yeah, yeah, she got left with all of it. So yeah, impressive young lady in it.
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah, I was really lucky because as part of my PTSD, I had a lot of anger because when you have PTSD, you don’t understand why your body’s reacting the way it’s reacting. Logically, you know, how you’re reacting is not a logical reaction, but you can’t stop it. And that creates confusion and then anger and a whole heap of things. So she put up with a lot of that but she was able to look at it and go, it’s okay mom. I know who you are. And this is the PTSD. Like, I know that your reactions are because of your condition and not react flexion on me. And from a young age, he was able to make that distinction. And that was, yeah, I don’t know where she came from. But she’s, I’m blessed to have
Mat Lock
you with us, but I know what you mean. Absolutely. Now, you mentioned that you were 119 kilos. I mean, just to have that gives us an anchorage you’re like, so right now, for example, you’re roughly down next time. Exactly. But what kind of weight are we talking about? Just so people can understand the difference?
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah, I have around the 63 to 64 kilos, and I compete around the 60.
Mat Lock
So I mean, you’re talking you were twice your current weight, more or less? Yeah. Okay. And that was as a result of the medication or depression or both? Both.
Rachel Kerrigan
So it has little bit to do with the stroke, because I couldn’t move at all. And I’m allergic to alcohol and things. And obviously, yeah, my drug of choice was food. That had a bit to do with that, but also the medication. It changes your metabolism. Because I was on so many different tablets, my body didn’t know whether I was here or there or what was going on. So it was always in like a hunger mode and sort of a starvation mode. So it just kept storing fat. So I could go days without eating and still put weight on.
Mat Lock
Wow. Yeah, that’s a vicious circle, isn’t it to be enable? And looking back now? I mean, what level of awareness? Did you have the big picture? If you were looking at the sort of jumping up and get looking down on yourself in your situation? How much awareness? Did you have? Can you remember how much awareness you had at the time or again? Was it more of a haze?
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah. It was just everyday rain into every day. And because of the medication that I was on, I didn’t really feel anything. So you know, that’s one of the reasons I sat down with Dr. And said, Look, I need to stop coming off some of these tablets. You’re telling me I need to recognize my triggers. I need to try to work out what’s making me feel this way. But I said I can’t because I know I love my daughter, but I don’t feel it. She tells a joke. And I know I should be laughing. But I can’t. I see something sad. And I know that she’d make me cry. But I can’t. I’m just numb. I’m just literally existing in this. Hell, basically, because I’m not feeling anything. I don’t know what I should be feeling. I can’t make a conscious decision on anything. And you’re telling me this is what my life is going to be like, the rest of my life? And I’m sorry, but no, this is gonna be something more out there.
Mat Lock
Yeah, very powerful mindset to adopt in that moment. Do you think that was and forgive me if these ignorant questions, I’m not aware that I’ve suffered with mental health issues so far in my life, and therefore if they’re ignorant questions, I apologize. But that is not having those emotions that you kind of know you should have. Was that as a result of the medication? Or is that a form of the depression that it had with your again? Both? Which,
Rachel Kerrigan
yeah, no, definitely both. Both the medication is meant to sort of normalize everything, but then the depression and the anxiety because you with the PTSD, you have really high highs or really low lows, there’s not a lot in the middle. So the medication is there to bring you back to the middle. But in doing that, you don’t experience any of the highs or lows. And sort of you know, so I was just sort of going between? Yeah, it was just like a numbness. It’s really hard to explain. And I think, I think I shut down a lot too emotionally, because I didn’t understand what was going on, you know, I’d gone from someone who was making decisions on multimillion dollar projects have made life and death decisions when I was in Afghanistan, you know, I was able to think on my feet, to not being able to control anything disassociating. If I even went out in public, the nightmares were just unbelievable. So I just I couldn’t control what was going on. And I think a way of sort of dealing with that was literally shutting down.
Mat Lock
Sure. And you say, a lot of the sort of what you would expect with the normal support networks fell away. It sounded like you literally basically it was you and your daughter there for a while. Yeah, it was one of the conversations we had, which I mentioned to you before, we had Steve commando Willis and cam Porter, on one of our online get togethers, and certainly can’t in particular, was talking about how the him, you know, we’re all alike. You know, we all support Are you okay, for example? And it’s a valid first question, but he’s always been an advocate for Well, what next? What goes after that question? If you get the answer that you’re not comfortable with, how do I handle that? And so therefore, you’re maybe almost fearful to ask because you don’t know how to handle the answer and so on. What do you say to people now, if you’re trying to help them, maybe they are depressed or they’ve got someone friend or family who’s depressed and they’re not really sure how to handle it as someone who has suffered death and maybe still do at some level? Do you want to be asked? Do you want to engage in conversation? Or actually? Is it the more essentially want to isolate away? And I understand that your situation in your answer is different to perhaps someone else’s. But for you, if you’re giving advice, or sharing your experience, at least about you, what what do you tend to say to that?
Rachel Kerrigan
Um, it’s a really interesting question. Because you know, the place that you’re in, you feel like you need to be isolated, because you’re dealing with all these things. But yet, you don’t want to be isolated, because he needs the support. So it’s, it’s really difficult to work through that. So it’s really nice to get a text message from someone or a phone call saying, Hey, I was thinking about you today, how are you going? But when you ask that question, you got to be ready for the response. And from my side, people have to understand that if I say, Hey, I’m not having a bad day, yeah, I’m having a bad day. I’m not really coping, I really don’t want to talk, don’t take offense to that. That’s me saying, I’m not having a good day. So maybe just check in on me with a text message in a couple of hours to say, Hey, you know, you feeling any better, you know, sending your hug or sending your smile or send me a joke, or you know, just something to sort of brighten the day, you don’t have to, I think the problem is with the IU, okay? Everyone thinks they got to fix the problem. True, want to fix problem. If we don’t understand the problem, you can’t fix it yourself. You don’t need anyone else to fix it for you. So it’s more just having that support. And the people that are going through it, it’s being able to say, this is how I’m feeling. I don’t know why. But this is how I’m feeling. be okay with that. And you know, if we’ve organized to meet up and I ring you and say, you know, look what I just not up to it today, don’t take offense to that. Or if I’m a little bit short or snipping, you know, that take offense to that I lost a lot of friends and people because they just got sick of me not turning up, or they got sick of me sort of getting a little bit short and cranky with them. And they didn’t understand that that was actually a result of what I was feeling, and not what they were doing. So people pulled away. And that just made the loneliness even worse. And in the end also meant I didn’t trust anyone because there was just no one there. No one was reaching out anymore. And in a way, it made me stronger, it actually made me have to rely on myself because I didn’t have that support network to rely on. I didn’t know how much I missed that support network until I found my tribe, again, through sport. And having that connection with people really made me understand what I’d been missing out of being part of the community. But you know, it also, I suppose, forced me to make some decisions on my own and move forward and not rely on other people. So I suppose the biggest thing is, one, be honest, talk out, let people know you’re not feeling okay. Because at the end of the day, true friends are going to stick around and stay there for you. And for the other side. Just be there. Don’t try to fix anything, just let them talk or if you know they’re not okay. And if you get a grumpy response back, don’t take it personally,
Mat Lock
you know, good luck with the job. Yeah, yeah, you’re still reaching out. And even if they don’t appreciate it, it means the world. But it might have been a crap joke, by the way. So yeah, no look, great, great advice. And thank you for sharing. And I know, I get I think I heard it. I heard someone say this once. But it’s true. One of the challenges with any sort of mental health topic is you can’t see it. As in, I can’t see it. When I look at that person, I can’t see it necessarily. You know, if they’ve lost a leg or they’ve broken an arm, you can kind of see that and not be more sympathetic, but somehow, it’s more tangible, you can understand it perhaps more. Whereas if you’ve never been exposed to mental health, personally, mental health issues, then it’s hard to under you can’t visualize it in the same way that you’re trying to describe it. And I think I I think that’s a very helpful way of explaining when you say, Well, I just felt numb. And I never should laugh at that, or I should love that. I don’t feel and so that actually was the best explanation I’d ever heard that resonated with me, let’s say. So hopefully the same is true for for those listening to this. So when you say that, you mentioned community sport, that you found yourself again, and I know that that was I believe it was through the Invictus Games, is that right?
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah. And my daughter. Thinks she because I was starting to get back into doing some rehab in that after the strike and I was doing a few things. So I like was tracking coder and I did the Borneo deathmatch and a couple of things like that and really wanted to get out and find I found that actually training for something gave me a purpose. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Because you know, my depressive state somedays getting out of bed was the biggest achievement that I had. So I set that as a goal every day to at least get out and make the bed and make it to the lounge. If I did that I chase something for the day something positive. So and then having something to train for, actually gave me a purpose again and gave me a reason to get up and gave me a drive because it gave my life some meaning I was working towards something positive. And I didn’t realize how big of a change that would be until the Invictus Games and getting out there and competing. Getting amongst a group of people that understood, or being in such a supportive community. And actually having a go like, I didn’t win any medals, I actually ended up breaking my hand and nothing else when paid at the level I want you to compete at, honestly. So as far as medals and all that sort of stuff. Yeah, no, I wasn’t one of those people. But it changed my life. Like I came home a different person, and I came home and I went, I love powerlifting This is what I want to do. And it drives me then to find a coach took me nine months to actually do that. And when I did find a coach, I actually sat outside the gym for two hours arguing myself whether I should go in or not. And then I got the courage to go in. walked in, someone dropped away and I passed out. Right?
So it was so bad.
Mat Lock
What was that conversation? What for two hours? What was the the good and bad voices one on one shoulder one on the other? What was the discussion that was going on?
Rachel Kerrigan
As a bit of everything? Like it’s like, oh, you’re not good enough to do this, you’re stupid? How are you going to do this, you know, you can’t do anything without your daughter, and you’re expecting go train, you know, you can’t be in a room with people, you get overwhelmed and crowded these people. You know, when you were doing Invictus, you’re around people who had mental health issues that had physical disabilities. So if you had a meltdown, they’d been there, they understood, this is a whole group of people you don’t know, you don’t know whether they’ve had any mental health issues, your coach might not want, probably the coach might want anything to do with you. Because you’ve broken your the issue that you know, at this point, I still had very low self esteem and very low outlook on what I could achieve. Like I knew I could be better than what the doctor said. But I still didn’t realize how much better that could be like, I was always told at school to I wasn’t an athletic person, you’re you’re the academic, you’re not the athlete. So you know, just concentrate on the academics because you’re not built for any sort of sport. And I sort of thought it could be another disappointment, you know, I’ve got these aims of sort of wanting to compete in powerlifting. What if I go in there? And I’m not good at it? Like, how is that going to send me backwards, it’s just all of this sort of stuff, showing
Mat Lock
me how the subconscious works. And we just reinforce our own vulnerabilities, insecurities. And ultimately, what you just described, at the end, there’s the fear of failure, which holds so many of us back, it’s the fear of failing rather than the lean in as you did in Venice. But nonetheless, just in the end, find the ability to lean in and give it a go in understanding of course, hopefully, in an environment where people are not standing in judgment, in fact, only want you to succeed in whatever that looks like for you. And, and everyone’s in the same boat, right? I mean, none of us were born doing any of this. So to speak for myself. But the opportunity to go in and what was your experience?
Rachel Kerrigan
Um, it was my coach was amazing. He he literally started me off training me in the gym on my own. After So after I sort of calmed down and everything again, he says to me, Rob, I just want to see you do one lift, deadlift, one lift bench, one leg squat. And then he said, Yeah, I can train you. You know, he got me back in. Um, so that was in February. I had met my first competition in July. And I absolutely freaked out. Went to run from another buddy at a holiday party last July. And this was in 2017. Okay, so three years ago. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, he he got me through and he got me competing. And I ended up getting served at nationals in August. Wow. You know, I went from not being able to lift the bar and train to getting served at Nationals. I mean, it was an amazing lifts or anything, because my anxiety was getting the best of me. But what I took away from all of it was that I actually competed. Regardless of the result, I’ve gone from not being able to walk into a gym to actually now competing at a national competition and actually getting through enough to get a result.
Mat Lock
You’ve gone from the winner of the day, getting out of bed. Actually, so yeah, I mean, really sad. That’s huge. That’s amazing. That in itself, I can tell by your face and the way you were taught that there was impairing liberating the realization of that.
Rachel Kerrigan
It was it was because it sort of helped me understand that I could still have dreams. I still have ambitions, I could still work. And that’s when I realized that my PTSD is a part of me. And it’s something that I’ve got to embrace. And it’s actually a blessing, because it’s taken me down to the worst of depths. You know, like, I nearly took my life three separate occasions. And, you know, I’ve been in a really dark places, if I can get through that, look what I can achieve. When I put my mind to it, there’s still so much and because I’ve seen the really dark, I actually now really appreciate the good. Like, it’s sort of so much more. And I actually saw so much of me and that original drive and that original thing that I had, and I go, okay, it’s not the life I planned when I joined the military. And where I saw myself, looking back on the experiences I’ve had, and things that I’ve done now, it’s probably better than I could ever imagined. And I hadn’t been through that that place, I probably wouldn’t have got that.
Mat Lock
It gives you such a different level of perspective, I imagined. Yeah, most most of us are living to use the term used earlier, sort of fairly normalized lives, right? go through life, the kind of normal, whatever normal is, but you know what I mean, it’s kind of, whereas you’ve, you’ve had the low, and it gives you the ability to therefore appreciate the high, and the high might be back to normal. But that’s a high. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because you’ve got some perspective on it.
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah. And it gives you a better understanding of yourself, and what you can actually push yourself to do. Sure, um, is a greater understanding. So I actually now probably understand myself and accept myself and love myself more than what I did when I was normal. You know? Yeah, you learn to appreciate little things again, instead of just being so focused, and when the little problems come up, yeah, I still overreact. But I can sort of look back and go, you know what, at the end of the day, that’s nothing.
Mat Lock
Sure, yeah, absolutely. No, I understand. I’m just out of interest. I mean, you obviously parties still participate in wheelchair basketball, is that correct? Yes. But you’re not wheelchair banned?
Rachel Kerrigan
No, no. You can still you don’t have to be wheelchair bound to participate in different. Okay, sports. So because I’m going to stroke and some issues I’ve had with my hips and ankles and things as a result of some injuries from service. I qualify to be in the National League.
Mat Lock
So normal life doesn’t require a wheelchair for you.
Rachel Kerrigan
No, no. We don’t know down the track because I still have issues sometimes with my left hand side shuts down. You don’t know why it’s all psychological, apparently. So my body just reached the point where stress is too much that shuts me down so that I stopped.
Mat Lock
Yeah, sure. Sure. self preservation mode.
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah, yeah. I’m still working on that. But I sort of that again, the reason I looked at the sport was one, I loved it when I was doing it with Invictus. But two, I wanted to play a team sport. And I thought, you know, people have said to me, you could end up in a chair. Okay, if I’m getting up in the chair, I want to be able to still do things. I’ll get used to it. Now look, what can I do? I can play sport, I can, you know, there’s all these different things you can do. Because being disabled is a disability, it’s actually just finding a different way of being able, you know, it can open up so many opportunities.
Mat Lock
Yes, I’m just conscious of the bit of background noise at minus four, but I will I will edit this piece out for sure. As in just this little bit while they’re talking. They’re going to quieten down in a moment. It’s um, yeah, so we’re off recording at the moment. It’s fascinating. Isn’t the human body amazing?
Rachel Kerrigan
It is it is. And now working in sort of the disability space and things like that. Just seeing what people can do. Like, you know, you look at someone in a chair and think what they can’t do. But Wow, what they can actually do is just amazing.
Mat Lock
Yeah, that’s exactly right. So, look, Rachel, I’m conscious of your time. And look, I can’t thank you enough for being willing to share your story publicly. I can’t imagine what that must take. I know, it’s not the first time you’ve done so. But But still, I’m guessing there’s an element of it takes you back to when I asked you to get back to 2010 it’s not lost on me that that’s probably not a place you keep want to keep going back to. So I appreciate that you have and for the benefit of our listeners, I appreciate that you have and for anyone who is struggling with depression, or maybe have suicidal thoughts or any form of mental illness, what would be your advice to them? Based on your experiences?
Rachel Kerrigan
Yeah, um, you will never forget what happened in your past. It will always be a part of you. But that doesn’t stop you have deciding to have a future and that future can still be anything you want it to be and you know, just start by little goals. As I said my goals was just as simple as getting out of bed, making it moving to the lounge. And then when that became a habit, I added another goal. And you know, that was as simple as getting up and actually making my own breakfast and my daughter didn’t have to make it for me. And, you know, just every day, if you can add something a little bit more, and you achieve it great, if you go backwards, that’s okay, as well, like my little girl told me once, it’s always better to be tiptoeing forward than running backwards. So as long as you’re making little progressive steps forward, you know, your life will just keep improving, and keep improving and keep improving. And there’s a reason why the rearview mirror is so small and a car, it’s so you can look back and look how far you’ve come, instead of it being the main PHR. So just make that decision to have a future what that means for you, and start taking little steps towards it because you hilt still can have a productive, amazing life with mental health.
Mat Lock
Absolutely. I appreciate that those insights. I mean, they’re just raw gold, I have to say, it makes me want to chat with your daughter at some stage. Because I suspect it would be really interesting to hear her take on it. And again, for those who are living with someone who was going through some challenges, I get a different insight. Wouldn’t it from your daughter be different than me? She sounds like an incredible young lady. Very proud of are very proud of our game engine. Absolutely. Right. So if people want to reach out to you and connect with you, how would they do that?
Rachel Kerrigan
You can find me on Facebook just after under Rachel Kerrigan. It’s a public page. So I’m happy to have people to sort of pay me and things like that. Or my email address is Kerrigan 03, at gmail.com. So I’m happy for anyone to reach out.
Mat Lock
Awesome, thank you. It’s very kind. And I’ll put those in the show notes as well so that people can easily access those. And is there anything else you’d like to share with us before we sign off for today, um,
Rachel Kerrigan
just about how you know, sport is such an amazing thing for everyone to be involved in. I love what you’re doing with, you know, the everyday athlete, because everyone can be an athlete in their own right. And, you know, sport is such a good way to be healthy and to have such a fulfilling life. And it’s an awesome community. So just thank you for everything you guys are doing by creating a community that everyone can be involved with. I think that’s just absolutely amazing. Because, as I said, without sport, I probably wouldn’t have come to where I am. And you know, places that you’re offering mean, people like me can actually be a part of something and work towards something. And I think that’s, that’s what’s important. There’s a lot out there for people to actually be a part on. So thank you very much.
Mat Lock
It’s a It’s a pleasure to have a legitimate excuse to connect with people like you, Rachel, I have to say, but I have to say thank you to Taylor and Shane as well as him. Because Yeah, they’ve created a form and a platform where we’ve connected and you can see everyone’s just connecting on there and sharing stories and reaching out and offering support and having some fun on there as well, which is just awesome. So when fairplay to those guys, it’s not like they’re not busy. I mean, as we’re recording this, it’s a very strange time for them to where was the whole CrossFit Games being well, when will it be and, and so on. So you know, they’re they’re, like the rest of us. Everyone’s being affected in some way by COVID-19. So, but no, it’s a pleasure. Rachel, thank you so much for your time, a pleasure to have the chance to chat with you and it won’t be the last time I’m sure. And yeah, looking forward to doing so again.
Rachel Kerrigan
Thank you so much. Really appreciate your time.
